What Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Got Wrong about Trauma
Content warning: mentions of various forms of abuse and sexual violence
I am perpetually about 10 years behind on most things pop culture related. I often “discover” new music and eagerly tell friends, only to find out that everyone else knew about my new song years ago. It’s no surprise that I only recently started watching “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” randomly one day on Netflix. I thought I would watch an episode before heading out for the day and soon found myself hooked- it was so petty, so amusing and so far removed from reality that I found it an entertaining escape.
However, that interest quickly turned sour during the latter half of the first season and entirety of the second season, which focused on the abuse that one of the housewives suffered at the hands of her husband. The reactions of her castmates, the inaction on the part of the network (though it remains unclear how much they knew), and the overall victim-blaming and shaming was truly shocking. I couldn’t even finish the second season because I had read online that she essentially ends up apologising to her friends for being abused and talking about it. Watching it felt like I was giving tacit approval to that kind of behaviour and I was already having a hard time making it through the episodes and observing the further trauma that the cast put her through.
There was a real opportunity to have critical discussions about gender, intimate partner violence, trauma and abuse and those nuanced conversations didn’t happen. Of course, I cannot claim to know what happened behind the scenes or when the cameras weren’t rolling, but the footage that was deemed appropriate to be shown was quite disturbing.
It got me thinking about the ways in which trauma shows up for people, especially folks who have experienced sexual trauma and violence, intimate partner violence and other forms of interpersonal abuse. Below are some of the misconceptions that were aired on the show, but that are also pervasive in society:
1. Abuse has to be witnessed by someone else to be real
It is very unlikely for abuse to happen in front of others. It happens behind closed doors, in homes where no one else is, or in other isolated spaces. A person experiencing intimate partner violence might be in public with their abusive partner and act like nothing is wrong and that does not diminish what they may experience in other settings.
On “Real Housewives,” multiple castmates said they never observed Russell hitting Taylor; therefore, they have “no evidence” that it was happening. Abusers don’t want to get caught and they don’t want others to know what they are doing, so of course they will not abuse someone publicly.
It can be difficult to accept as real something that we cannot see, but research consistently demonstrates that people almost never lie about being abused. Discrediting someone’s experience of abuse solely on the basis of not having literally witnessed it further perpetuates the trauma and shame that person is already experiencing.
2. Lack of easily identifiable physical evidence means the abuse isn’t happening
Similar to the first point, if someone states they are being abused or in a violent relationship, that doesn’t mean they will automatically start having bruises, broken bones, or other immediately identifiable markers of abuse. Physical abuse is often inflicted on places that are not visible to others; this is intentional, because it won’t be noticeable to others. This means that the person being abused must share that information directly in order for someone to know (i.e., they won’t be given an opportunity to talk about it by someone asking them about a bruise, for instance). Sharing about abuse can be extremely difficult (due, in no small part, to the victim-blaming behaviours and misconceptions noted in this article) and can also expose the person to further potential for violence if the abuser finds out.
Of course, there are myriad forms of abuse that don’t leave visible marks- things like gaslighting, emotional or mental abuse, financial abuse, etc. These forms of abuse are insidious and traumatic, but don’t often leave physical evidence. This makes it easier to discredit victims/survivors and makes the abuse harder to “prove.”
3. Shifting/evolving narratives & moods mean someone is lying
Experiencing trauma can create challenges with our memories. Trauma impacts the brain’s ability to remember things sequentially and survivors of trauma are more likely to remember impressions, smells, and feelings, than they are the specific details (incidentally, this is why asking a trauma survivor to “tell us everything from the beginning” is often not helpful).
There may also be legitimate reasons why someone’s story isn’t always the same or why the narrative might seem inconsistent. First off, it is important to note that there is an unrealistic expectation put on survivors to tell their story the same way every single time — which we generally know is unrealistic. For most of us, if we tell the same story about something more banal, such as a vacation we had, we won’t tell it the same way every single time. But survivors are expected to always share the same details and are often penalised for adding complexity, new details, or retracting something they realised was inaccurate.
It can also be the case that the abuser has learned the survivor is sharing about their experience- this may cause them to retract, change details, or minimize their experience. It is ok if this causes confusion in others; but it should not change the fact that the fundamental truth of the abuse is still present. It can seem confusing to an outsider to learn that abuse is happening and then also learn that the survivor and abuser are going on vacation together (this is what happened on “Real Housewives”). Keeping up appearances can be a survival tactic- perhaps the survivor is preparing to leave and needs to ensure that the abuser doesn’t catch wind of that.
It can be complicated when we feel that a survivor’s attitude towards their abuser is constantly shifting and the details of their narrative shift as well. However, the point to always remember is that if we are trying to be present to support someone and we care about them, the specific details don’t matter so much. We can be present for someone and let them know we are there for them regardless.
4. It’s easy to “just leave”
Research has demonstrated that a person in an abusive relationship is most at risk when they are getting ready to leave and immediately after leaving the abusive situation. It is very easy to look from the outside and say “oh they should just leave, I would just leave.” But it is much more complex than that. Some people don’t have anywhere else to go; some people are also experiencing financial abuse where their funds are tied exclusively to their abuser; some may still feel that they care about their abuser and haven’t decided to leave yet.
“Just leaving” takes an immense amount of energy and time. Folks might need a new place to live. They may need to figure out how to ensure their abuser can’t find them again. They need to make safety plans with others. They may choose to get the police involved. And all of these things generally happen in secret, so that the abuser doesn’t find out. Factors such as having children and access to finances impacts this as well.
The other women on “Real Housewives” also dismissed Taylor abuse claims because they offered to let her & her daughter stay with them and Taylor didn’t take them up on it. They therefore inferred that she wasn’t actually being abused because if she did, she would surely pick up immediately and move in with them. This ignores the challenges and fear that Taylor may have faced when moving. It was portrayed as something so simple — “if she’s abused, she should just move into my house” — when it is in fact much more complex and nuanced.
5. Survivors of abuse have to be likeable, “good” people
There has been much written about the “perfect victim.” There is a cultural expectation that victims will act and behave in certain ways and that they will uniformly be deemed “good” people. When victims/survivors don’t conform to these roles, they are seen as less reliable and empathy diminishes for them. However, this misconception needs to be put to rest for good.
Survivors are allowed to have the full range of human emotions and feelings that everyone is entitled to. We might not like a survivor personally; or a survivor we are supporting may seem like they don’t appreciate our help or even refuse it. A survivor has flaws, like every other human. The notion that survivors have to act in certain ways is very damaging.
This idea was on full display in “Real Housewives”- many people on the show and in comment threads across the internet said that Taylor made up the abuse because they didn’t like how she was portrayed on the show. I was shocked at how blatant these comments were, and how inappropriate. Disbelieving someone’s allegations of abuse simply because you don’t like them is not acceptable. Nor is suggesting that a survivor is deserving of some form of abuse due to their character traits. It is essential that we let survivors be their whole selves and not use their personality to gauge where or not they are trustworthy and deserve our support.
How do we combat the above misconceptions?
First off, share them with others and talk about them!
Second, believe people when they tell you they are in an abusive situation or have experienced abuse, sexual violence, etc.
Third, remember that it is not about you and what you personally believe, but what that person has experienced.
Fourth, take some perspective- if someone lied to you about an experience, that might be really disappointing or frustrating, but if you disbelieve someone who is recounting their abusive situations, it can be further traumatizing and even prevent them from seeking additional help.
Fifth, remember why someone comes to you; if a friend/family member/partner/staff member comes to you seeking support, it doesn’t matter what the exact details are and whether or not you believe what happened. What matters is that they need support, resources, and compassion and we can all provide that without further victim-blaming and shaming.
Watching the victim-blaming, shaming, and disbelief being played out on reality television gave me pause to really think about where these beliefs come from and what we can do as a society to combat them. Recognising the reality of what abuse is and what someone goes through is a good first step. Resources to learn more are noted below.
Check out more at www.tridenttraining.co!
Additional Resources:
The Forensic Experiential Trauma Interview
https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/10/the-psychology-of-victim-blaming/502661/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/escaping-violence/do-survivors-lie
https://qz.com/980766/the-truth-about-false-rape-accusations/
